Modern wedding etiquette part 1: reader questions answered

 

We answer your questions, dilemmas and tricky situations.

 

Let’s be real – weddings are beautiful, but they can also be a minefield of potential social faux pas. We’ve taken stock of our reader’s popular wedding dos and don’ts, answering your questions to help keep everyone happy, stylish, and respectful.

 

 

For those getting married.

 

Question: How do we say we prefer no children at our wedding? And what about breastfeeding Mums?

Thinking of an adults-only celebration? It’s your day, and you get to call the shots. The key is communication. Use your wedding website or invitations to kindly explain.

“To ensure an intimate atmosphere, we kindly ask that only the children of our closest family members attend. We’re so grateful for your understanding.” works wonders.

For breastfeeding humans, consider offering a specific exception or a support space if possible – or at the very least, reach out to those parents to chat about the situation at the venue so they can make an informed decision about whether to attend.

 

Ivory Tribe tip: For more advice on navigating kids at weddings, here is our popular article breaking it all down.

 

 

Question: I would like five bridesmaids; my husband-to-be only wants two.

 

Maybe a controversial opinion, but we say – go for it! Uneven wedding parties are the new normal, and dare we say it – quite chic. Mix up traditional symmetry by considering seating your bridal party in the front rows, embracing the asymmetrical look or even grouping them all on one side of the ceremony set-up. It’s about who matters most, not matching numbers.

 

Question: How do we stress to guests to be on time?

Be crystal clear. Include start times on invitations, add a cheeky note like “Ceremony starts SHARP – don’t miss the magic!” and consider a slightly earlier time on invitations as a buffer. You can also remind guests of parking options, travel time if a regional or destination wedding, and potential events that may impact travel to the venue.

But also, remember you can only control certain factors – and guest behaviour isn’t one of them. If you’re clear in your communication that the celebrations will start at a specific time, you’ve done all you can.

 

 

Question: Can we place our wishing well at the entrance to the ceremony, or does that make it look like a donation grab?

Placement matters. Typically, the reception entry works best. Make it elegant – think beautiful signage, a dedicated table, and clear communication about your preferences.

 

Question: Should we factor in meals for our photographer and musicians?

Your vendors are working hard to make your day perfect. Provide meals, water, and a moment of gratitude. They’re not just service providers; chances are they work in the industry because they are passionate about making their couple’s days as incredible as possible. If you can, show them some love, too.

 

Vendor tip: Wedding parties turning up drunk before the ceremony are not chic.

One rule: Stay sober. Hangovers and wedding attire do not mix. Save the epic celebration for after your official duties.

 

 

For the guests.

 

Help! Dress code dilemmas.

Question: Does black tie mean below the knees for women?

Correct. Think elegant gowns, tuxedos, sophisticated glam. Knee-length? Save it for a cocktail-style soiree. When in doubt, overdress elegantly rather than under-dress.
And if you’re not sure? Please don’t contact the couple the week of the wedding for dress code clarification! Chances are, they’ll have a lot on their mind – reach out to a member of the wedding party instead, or sort your outfit well in advance.

 

Vendor tip: consider cultural sensitivity when planning your ‘fit.

Red can be inappropriate in some cultures, and white is typically a no-go (unless specifically invited to wear it). This can also apply to light shades such as cream, beige or camel – remember that these tones may look almost white under certain lighting (or in photos!).

 

Question: Can I wear a black gown to a wedding?

Black gowns are becoming much more acceptable, but it’s worth checking in with the couple or a member of the wedding party well in advance to ensure they don’t have any beliefs or traditions that mean black may not be appropriate.

 

 

Ceremony and Reception Dos and Don’ts

Vendor tip: Skip the “Are you nervous?” question of the groom, bride or couple.

Perhaps ask how their day is going instead, or share your excitement with them. (Chances are, they are nervous and avoiding thinking too much about that, or they weren’t, but the constant questions about nerves aren’t helping!)

 

Question: I’m so annoyed my friends have chosen a European destination wedding. With the cost of living at the moment, there’s no way we can go, and it’s really disappointing.

We agree it is disappointing. But, whilst you’re entitled to feel all the feels about it, please don’t vent those to the couple. It’s their day and their decision, ultimately.

 

Vendor tip: Fill up the seats!
While guests are usually beautifully polite in waiting for family to take the front rows of seats, when it’s time to begin the ceremony, don’t hold back by filling any empty spots. And if the officiant is asking for people to do so – don’t be shy; rows of unfilled chairs aren’t a great look.

 

 

Question: is it bad to bring confetti to throw after the ceremony (asking for my Mum!)?

Confetti or petals are ONLY welcome if the couple has arranged for it to be handed out. When you’re tossing it, please aim above – not directly at – the couple. You want it to flutter down around them, not be caught in their eyes, hair or outfit.

 

Vendor tip: don’t drop your bags and belongings on your seat in the reception space until you are invited in!

Keep hold of your belongings until the staff usher you into the reception space. Not only is the styling of the space a well-considered, often highly curated effect, but the photographer and videography team often have limited time to capture the aesthetic elements – and coats, bags and belongings, as stylish as they may be, can ruin the initial impact.

 

Vendor tip: Avoid sneaking off for a hookup mid-ceremony (yes, we had to say it; it has happened before!)

 

 

Question: Should we aim to be early to the ceremony?

On time is perfect. A little early is fine (five to ten minutes). A half hour early, and you’re likely to encounter last-minute adjustments being made, flowers being spritzed and vendor briefings taking place. Often vendors are adapting to weather or changes to plans, so the closer to the ceremony start time you arrive, the better.

 

Vendor tip: Be respectful to staff.

Your behaviour towards the staff and vendors on the day reflects on the couple. In most instances, they’ll be doing their best, sometimes under high pressure or tricky situations (weather being one). Kindness is infectious, so don’t hold back!

 

Vendor tip: Moderation is key.

One drink? Delightful. Five shots in quick succession? A potential disaster. Stay classy, stay present.

 

Question: The couple have stressed no gifts. Do we ignore this and give them money?

This is a tricky one. Perhaps if you’re close family or friends, you may want to include money or a voucher, but if the couple has chosen to specify no gifts, there isn’t an obligation to do so. But – don’t forget a card! A considered message on a card is something couples will love to look back on in the days, and often years, following the wedding.

 

The Golden Rule: It’s Not About You

Remember, this day celebrates love. Your role is to support, celebrate, and create beautiful memories.

 

Ivory Tribe Insight: Weddings are a celebration of love, connection, and two people choosing each other. Respect, kindness, and a killer outfit will never go out of style.

 

 

Seeking more real life wedding day insight? Check out our feature on wedding drama – scandals, mishaps and funny moments – we dare you not to gasp!